Sex: Let’s Get Playful!

Playfulness in bed is crucial. Not just for fun, for consent as well.

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Let’s try it like this.

Let’s try it over here.

Ever done it in an aeroplane? Ever done it on a pier?

Not sure if I like it but let’s give it a go.

Never had my ass licked, but you never kno —

– ooooooooo ooo, o

I write a lot about sexual violence and why we need to fight rape culture. A lot of it is very depressing, as much to write as to read, because the reality of sexual abuse is very depressing. Luckily, the solution isn’t. Because the fact is, fighting against rape means fighting for sex. Good sex. And for me, a big part of that is developing our playfulness in bed.

Far too often, sex is treated as a performance. Each person trying to impress the other, and generally, when it comes to hetero sex, we try to impress each other in very gendered ways. The guy by his action, his assertiveness, his ability to lead. The woman by her looks, and her passivity — what she “lets” a guy do to her. She’s “let him” do anal. She’ll “let him” come in her mouth. She’ll “let him” fuck her outdoors…

This performance mindset means that the two partners aren’t in it together. They’re not fully concentrated on having the best possible time with the other person in all their particularities. They are separate, each on their individual quest to prove something, to themselves and each other and through each other to the whole darn world.

The bed is not a stage. It is a play area.

It is one, two, or more people having fun together, inspiring each other, having new ideas, trying things out. It is an adventure, together. A collaborative project to experience and provide pleasure with others.

The first advantage of seeing sex like this is developing consent. Because when it comes to play, there is always the underlying assumption that if everyone isn’t enjoying it, it isn’t fun. Forcing someone to play monopoly until dawn is not going to be a good night…