The Problem With Vagina Glitter

Some things shouldn’t go up there.

Stark Raving

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Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Why vagina glitter? You ask.

Well, why the hell not?

Of course, vaginas are beautiful just the way they are, however they are, and need no vajazzling.

That being said, glitter is fun. It’s a laugh. It’s silly and shiny and makes everything feel a bit more festive. And because sex should be playful. It is why, one of the first things I would do if I had a willy would be to have an erotic fencing session with glow-in-the-dark condoms.

Don’t Feed the Gremlins

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what succession of strange, possibly stoned thoughts led me to be investigating vagina glitter — also known as clitter. I was excited to find out about these little glitter capsules that you put up there, and then the capsule dissolves, and you can rain glitter down like a queer monsoon.

Sadly, it turns out that a lot of body-safe glitters are made out of sugar. And sugar is not something that should be put up your vagina, because you are basically turbo-charging the ecosystem up there, which can easily lead to an infection.

“The vagina contains a delicate balance of good bacteria, which are there to protect it,” Dr Vanessa Mackay, spokesperson for Britain’s Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists told The Independent.

A non-exhaustive list of things that shouldn't go in your vagina

While we’re (not) on the topic, I thought I should provide a few suggestions of other things that shouldn’t go up your vagina.

I have written before about the stupid capitalist invention of “intimate gels” — soaps for your vag that do more harm than good and prey on the depiction of women’s genitalia as gross and shameful.

Then there are some things I never thought I would have to write about. Like this:

Do not put wasp nests in your vagina.

This was a trend back in 2017, which I had long perceived to be a simpler, pre-pandemic time. I thought we were less weird before being forced to self-isolate, baking bread and watching Tiger King to maintain a tenuous grip on our sanity.

Well, maybe not. Back in 2017, a product marketed as “oak galls” was being sold on Etsy, promising to “tighten and clean” your vagina. (BTW, your vagina is lovely, it needs neither tightening nor cleaning). It was made of ground-up wasp nests.

All in all, what-not-to-put-in-your-vajayjay made for an interesting Google. Excuse me while I try to unsee the past 10 minutes of my life.

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Stark Raving

Intersectional feminism and environmental issues. Let’s make the world a kinder, more sustainable place. Support my work! https://starkraving.medium.com/members